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- You cant say, "of course I am going to die first because I am older" because we know that is not necessarily true.
- Saying "no one knows!" is too ambiguous and uncertain
- Don’t be afraid of the pain of the sadness. Sink into the sadness.
- Life experience is a big deal: some kids will get it because they have experienced death/divorce/moving/etc.
- DON’T SAY:
- "he is on a long trip"
- "we lost her" because kids are naturally going to want to go look for her!
- "he went to sleep" b ecuase when you sleep you wake up, so they will be waiting for him to wake up!
- "your grandma is a twinkling star"
- Go ahead and say it: He died (versus lost, passed away, passed, etc) We try to soften it but it might be worse in the long run.
- Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's Stage Theory provides brilliant insight into dying, but not grief.
- Grieving is more like a salad bowl of emotions. You may bounce around between different stages at different times, especially birthdays and other holidays.
- Children grieve in spurts (they may be sad and then go play with a friend 5 seconds later).
- Children are also literal beings. “I want to die and go to heaven with my dog/grandpa/etc. What they are saying is I miss dog and want to see him again.
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Children grieve in spurts (they may be sad and then go play with a friend).
Avoidance: I don’t want to ask them about it bc it might make them sadder. But in reality, this is all the person can think about.
- There should not be any alarm or red flags.
Keeping the memoery alive
- You can never go wrong with real genuine expressions of remembrance.
- Ideas for keeping the memory alive:
- Set a place at the table for the person who died.
- Have everyone at the table sign the table cloth.
Pictures
- Have pictures up around the house
- Remember: You don’t have to do what your family did. You have the opportunity to create your own way for your family
Don’t be afraid of the pain of the sadness. Sink into the sadness.
Other Resources:
- American Pediatric Association: Fact for families Depression for children and teens, anxiety in children, death of pets (if you think something is going beyond grief)
- The Cartoon Arthur
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- was written by
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- Mark Brown, who also wrote several books about dying and divorce that are good resources: When Dinosaurs Die and
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- NOTE: There is no reason to read a book on the topic until it is happening in your life
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