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Topic
Difficult Conversations: Talking with kids about Loss (including death, move, long term hospitalization, etc.)
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In her 40+ years of working with children, Joyce has developed and nurtured a passion for parent education and for assisting parents to “swim upstream” in today’s culture. Recently, she started the “Heirloom Parenting” initiative to present research-based parenting guidance to families in the Fort Bend County area.
Discussion Notes
- Loss can encompass a variety of situations, death, divorce, a move, hospitalization/illness, anything that changes the current situation significantly...think of it as a "loss of future story"
- The reality is ,1 out of 1 people will die, so it is certain that you will have to have a conversation with your kids about death at some point, if you haven't already.
- In each of these difficult conversation, TRUST and TRUTH are both critical. It is imperative to be honest with your kids from the beginning to further develop a mutual trust with them
- Don’t fool them. Kids are resilient but they should not have to build the truth on their own later in life as they will likely not trust you. You NEED them to trust you and you start building that trust now.
- “A child’s greatest need is for trust and truth.”
- Because death is all around us, try to have some conversations about death so that you are more prepared when it happens to you/your family. For example, you can talk with your kids about a friend or neighbor or acquaintance that you know that died, so that you might be more prepared when it is a loved one that is closer to you.
- “Emotional exposure to pain is like vaccines – little doses applied often enough can save you from what might otherwise kill you.”
- Reminder: Kids look to us to see what it means when someone dies.
- When talking with children about difficult topics:
- Listen twice as much as you talk.
- You answer their question AND ONLY that question. What messes us up is when we tell them things we are dealing with on our level and they are not on that level, so they ended up getting more confused. So don't complicate it...just answer their question. For example, "did he die?" " Yes, he died."
- Childhood has not been sped up in this age of technology. They are still children. PRESERVE childhood.
Handling Grief
- "Anything human is mentionable; and anything mentionable is manageable." Talking about things makes them more manageable. Don't avoid it, because it will not just go away.
- Grief handled poorly is when you don’t handle it. You need to sink into the sadness. Example: "when kids are sad we go to the park and fly kites" Flying kites is not bad, but if you are running away from talking about it, it can be bad. It is better to talk through everything first, then go fly kited and have fun!
- What are they saying/not saying that we need to know? Kids don’t always express what they are wondering so you have to figure out what they are trying to convey.
- Reminder: Children are egocentric, so they are always thinking its all about them. How does it relate to them? How are they impacted? You have to clear this up for them or they will continue to think it is about them.
- This also leads them to sometimes think they are the CAUSE (of death, divorce, etc)
- Children are keen observers but poor interpreters. We have to help them make meaning of everything or else they make up a version that works for them.
Example: Child asks, "Who is going to die first, me or you mommy?"
- You cant say, "of course I am going to die first because I am older" because we know that is not necessarily true.
- Saying "no one knows!" is too ambiguous and uncertain
- Don’t be afraid of the pain of the sadness. Sink into the sadness.
- Life experience is a big deal: some kids will get it because they have experienced death/divorce/moving/etc.
- DON’T SAY:
- "he is on a long trip"
- "we lost her" because kids are naturally going to want to go look for her!
- "he went to sleep" b ecuase when you sleep you wake up, so they will be waiting for him to wake up!
- "your grandma is a twinkling star"
- Go ahead and say it: He died (versus lost, passed away, passed, etc) We try to soften it but it might be worse in the long run.
- Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's Stage Theory provides brilliant insight into dying, but not grief.
- Grieving is more like a salad bowl of emotions. You may bounce around between different stages at different times, especially birthdays and other holidays.
- Children grieve in spurts (they may be sad and then go play with a friend 5 seconds later).
- Children are also literal beings. “I want to die and go to heaven with my dog/grandpa/etc. What they are saying is I miss dog and want to see him again. There should not be any alarm or red flags.
Keeping the memoery alive
- You can never go wrong with real genuine expressions of remembrance.
- Ideas for keeping the memory alive:
- Set a place at the table for the person who died.
- Have everyone at the table sign the table cloth.
- Have pictures up around the house
- Remember: You don’t have to do what your family did. You have the opportunity to create your own way for your family
Other Resources:
- American Pediatric Association: Fact for families Depression for children and teens, anxiety in children, death of pets (if you think something is going beyond grief)
- The Cartoon Arthur was written by Mark Brown, who also wrote several books about dying and divorce that are good resources: When Dinosaurs Die and I
- NOTE: There is no reason to read a book on the topic until it is happening in your life!
Action items